Monday, February 26, 2007

The Saucer

Through years of therapy I have finally come to grips with my reality. My energy and focus used to be the metaphorical size of large platter. About two-thirds of that platter was taken up by events that I officially budgeted time for in a disciplined fashion and one-third of it I used in an “off-budget” ad hoc fashion. I shoved stupid things like "housework" and spontaneous things, like a three course meal for eight people and poetry reading into this part. So I had my life set-up so that the acknowledged portion was always cool stuff like school or my job at USAID. There were many off-moments despite how tired I felt (as if I knew the meaning of the word back then) and I got all the bullshit done without every really acknowledging it as a serious part of my day. Plus I did fun off the cuff things.

Now my energy and focus are the size of saucer. That saucer is a little under metaphorical size of the third of a platter that I used to routinely blow off as irrelevant. In order to survive, I have to do things like eat, cook, wash my clothes, etc. I can't fit that into some off-budget moment. There are no off-budget moments. Feeding, cleaning and making sure I'm properly medicated, etc. is now a third of my life. The result of my inability to comprehend or accept this meant that for the four years before I knew Craig, I lived in a complete shithole. Craig and I do better than I did alone, but it takes way more time. But simply but, self-maintenance was never allowed onto the official budget before, with obvious results.

The saucer has two other sections. Teaching a class I've already designed takes one of those sections. If I'm designing a course or getting all the kinks out of it on the second run, that takes the last third. If I study an easy language (i.e. Hebrew), that takes a third of the plate. Writing takes a third of a plate. I'm bombing Hebrew at the moment, because there are four things on a plate with three sections. Predicatably, I've started bailing the Hebrew canoe and have stopped writing again.

No more Hebrew next year. Hebrew is an easy language. Two years are all that it gets. I apply for grants and teach first quarter. I write and teach second and third quarters

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