Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Shift in Consciousness

The brain is a fucked-up and funny thing. A couple of weeks ago, I felt I was getting on track. I was even working out again. Then I got sick. A really nasty stomach flu. I spent a lot of time running back and forth to the toilet. Naturally, I got off track. But I’m okay with that. That’s who I am now. I’m not efficient. I’m not a machine. I’m not a force of nature. I’m just a geeky guy with low focus and low energy. The most important part of my life is that I’m married to Craig and that we live each day together. And that’s fine. That’s more than fine. I’m happy. I don’t need to be more.

I’ve been playing an on-line strategy game with Kirk, Simon and Nelly. Josiah is joining in the next round. What’s funny is that it’s making me feel really upbeat. I didn’t realize that it would. I miss teamwork. I miss the common struggle toward a goal, the camaraderie, the humor. I feel so much better about life. It’s strange. It reminds me of the good parts of working at USAID without the evil parts. So strange that something that seems so silly can make me feel so upbeat.

I really want to write. I miss writing. I was good at it before and I want to be good at it again. I know I won’t be what I intended to be—a publishing machine. That’s okay. But I want to write again, anyway. I’ve learned how to be a good teacher with this illness. Now I want to learn about how to be a good writer.

Little things change. I’ve changed. I can quite put a finger on it. But I feel a little excited.